Grief, Guilt and Faith

GRIEF

I spent my Monday morning, stalking my friend Diane in Boston.

She ran a great marathon and was done before the bombs went off.

I knew every spot she was at.  I watched the live stream and just loved the memories that flooded back.  Boston was in my top 3 life changing events.  A once in a lifetime opportunity for my whole family that I will never forget.  Despite the pain I was in from my injury and the intense heat, I was so full of JOY while in Boston.

The boys equate that trip to DisneyWorld.  The city was beautiful, welcoming and more than anything else, we felt safe.  Boston was clearly a place we would be returning to.  Full of history, kind people and a passion for their home, their teams and their marathon...

all of which they share openly, freely and whole heartedly.

As I watched the events of Boston unfold...first in minutes, then in hours and finally into days...my grief was overwhelming.  Tears on the brim most of the days.  A sincere ache in my heart.  So sad.  Those were MY people that the bomb hurt.  Those were dreams, that I so vividly understood, tainted.  Their memories would be so different from mine. I can't express the meaning of a finish line.  It is months, years and simple seconds of training.  Not just training.  Emotional strength.  Family support (and sometimes bitterness).  Pain, in a good way.  Goals. Dreams.  Boston.

GUILT

My first thought was one of thankfulness that I wasn't running, that my family wasn't there and that we had been able to go the year before.  And that is when the guilt started to come in.  What I had been able to experience and these people hadn't.  And that is when I started feeling guilty.

When the Sandy Hook shootings took place, I felt sadness.  But not to this degree.  And I felt guilty for that.  I work with kids.  I have kids. I should've felt more compassion.

I lost my friend to cancer.  I cried a lot and missed her a lot and I still do.  But what happened in Boston, felt more devastating and for that, I felt guilty.

As the truth started to come out, it didn't make me feel better.  I became more sad and even angry.  The questions of why.  Just, why?  And have you ever been to a finish line? Do you not realize how many thousands of cameras there are?  You are bound to be caught, so why?

During these days...

Michael listened to me babble my thoughts and held me tight at night

my dad offered me words of wisdom from his own personal experience and struggles with guilt

my mom kissed me, hugged me and although we didn't talk about it, she kept things normal

and my kids, well damn, they are awesome.  They showed their support for Boston.

They asked questions and each morning, they checked to see how I was feeling.

And then Nicholas said what I knew was coming, "We were right there.  That could've been us."  

So many conversations we've had with our kids over the last week.  Not ones that I would dream of having with them and yet they are necessary and hopefully powerful.

I received so many texts, phone calls and hugs from friends who knew this was oh so close to me.

I found myself angry at religions, political parties, and extreme groups.  It made no sense to me.  What happened to just behaving humane?  Kindness, respect, moral integrity?

FAITH

Watching the neighborhood cheer...that's when I felt renewed faith in humanity and the Universe.  I don't know what's going to happen after today's events of having the youngest in the hospital.  And I hope that we remain vigalent in finding answers--although, I'm not sure that any of them will make sense of this to me.  The honor that was shown on Friday restored my faith.  The cheering.  Watching the sporting events....moving.  Wearing our shirts proudly...moving.  Runs all over the nation...moving.  Finding the helpers...reading inspiring stories...focusing on the good.  They've all helped to move me to today.  I didn't cry today.  I felt a little less sad today.  Dare I say, I felt sort of normal.

And so, today, we did what we do.

The boys did their thing.

And I did mine.

They even did what they didn't really want to do, but knew needed to be done.

So where do we go from here?

We make goals, we mirror behaviors we want in our lives, and we love one another more deeply.